Dear Shanna,
As a firm believer in the "constructive criticism sandwich", let me first begin by saying: my ex-boyfriend thinks you're pretty. That's your first slice of bread. Now, I'm afraid I need to serve you up a few slices of meat. As former Miss America, and more importantly the ex-Mrs. Travis Barker, you made some rookie mistakes on Dancing With The Stars. And no, I'm not talking about infamous ankle buckle on Latin Fever night.
1. You neglected to expose the fact that Ma and Pa Moakler have been in prison approximately 70 times over the past 25 years. For you to have a chance, America needed "inside-the-prison, mother-Moakler's -breast-against-the-visiting-glass" type footage. Did you think this would be "embarassing"? Because you really missed the chance to steal that crackerjack Jerry Springers thunder.
2. Your stoicism. Girl, you knew you were doomed from the first episode. The producers used you and your bare naval for the ratings, and you took it all with good grace. Classy? Yes. But - as I think we both know - class don't vote for the next champion of Dancing With The Stars.
3. There's a sticky/sexy "did her once in the backseat of my car" vibe about you that I really dig. Okay, so this is not really meat. It is more like spicy mustard. I'm not sure which way it goes. I just wanted to add it.
Here's your last slice of bread: I thought your performance of the Cha-Cha was fierce, and I don't care what the haters said about your face glitter. It was awesome and Tampa-licious.
There. That wasn't easy for me. Thank you for your gift of dance. Now please, take little Alabama Lola and just go. I can't bear to look at you right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment