Me Me Me

I like blueberry muffins but not blueberry pancakes. I drive fast but walk slowly. I am happy, sad, proud, shameful, professional and improper. I drink cans of Bud Lite in my best dress. I think too much and talk too little. I don't usually say what's in my heart but my hand can write it faster than I can feel it. I choose hope over despair. My heart jumps at the sound of your voice but your face is foggy in my memory. I wear black to weddings. I can eat a whole jar of pickles but get nauseous at the idea of putting relish on anything. I believe in true love but not in other things intangible. I am moody, messy and seamlessly unemotional and I keep a militarily clean home. My heart is cluttered with words that I'll never say but I wear them loudly on my sleeve. I believe in past lives but not life after death. I want you to pick me instead of her even though I would pick him instead of you. I love museums but libraries make me nervous. I prefer closed spaces to open ones but open roads to crowded highways. I can't nap - never could but look forward to crawling into bed at night more than any other time of day. I laugh louder than the rest of the room. I crave immediate gratification of a good short sentence but am myself long winded. I am pro-choice but anti-decision. I like rock over roll. Jack over Jim. I still believe in love at first sight even though I don't know anyone who has ever experienced it. I find Mozart fascinating but never liked classical music. I am overconfident in crowds but reticent in private moments. I feel you should choose honest moments to bare your soul but never soul baring moments to finally be honest. And consequently I believe life is yours to reel in one hand over the other, heels in the dirt .... and I will always always win the tug of war.

The Return of Open Letters!

Dear Winter:
I'm furious. It's December 19th. You are supposed to stay away for FIVE MORE DAYS. So seriously, back the hell off. Enough. 16 inches of snow in the last five days? 11 degree weather? What the hell? ENOUGH ALREADY, you overzealous bastard.

Please govern yourself accordingly,
RF


Dear fire alarm in my building that went off incessantly for the last two nights:
Seriously. Stop it. I feel like there's a gigantic mosquito in my head. And if there are two things I despise, it's mosquitoes and gigantism.

You dig?,
RF

Dear co-worker who I accidentally crashed into and knocked over and sent flying into that table with the printers when I came stampeding out of my office because I am sometimes careless and tend to walk too fast and without looking and with heavy feet and you're kind of small and I didn't see you:
Um... sorry 'bout that.

Apologetically yours,
RF

Dear Strung Out:
First off - I love you, and I think "Twisted by Design" and "American Paradox" are spectacular albums, and I think "Velvet Alley" is seriously a song that I can listen to on an endless loop, especially the part where you yell "I'll make you beg!" That said... "Element of Sonic Defiance"? .. Kind of blows.

Disappointed but not angry,
RF

Dear iPod:
Please don't die. Please? I love you so much. I cannot bear the thought of being forced to get some overly fancy new iPod that plays video and massages my hands and... shit, I don't know... speaks four languages and knows how to satisfy a camel. And frankly, I don't need any of that. You're fine. You're better than fine. But... you're kind of shitting the bed right now. You freeze up for hours. I've needed to wipe you clean and start over twice. And there's that creepy death rattle that comes out every now and then. I'd really rather not have to replace you. Plus, I kind of dig that you're old-school in that cool-like-Donkey-Kong kind of way. So, please don't die.

Hopelessly devoted to you,
RF

As requested: Things you may not know about moi.

I don’t believe honesty is always the best policy.

I have massive road rage and a cement foot. My licence has been suspended twice.

Marriage makes me uncomfortable, but I think I'm starting to believe in monogamy and fidelity.


I always leave a big tip.

I make the same mistakes over and over again. It's not that I don't learn from them, it's just that I choose to ignore the outcomes.

Libraries make me nervous. Too much selection.

I can’t sleep unless the room is completely dark.

I really, really, really dislike dairy products on skin.

I steal snapshots of moments in my days and relive them when I’m sleeping. Sometimes, I change the outcomes.

I don’t regret even the worst decisions I've made. Honestly.

My family is the most important thing in my life. Without one second of hesitation.

I love being alone, but when I want company, the urge is overwhelming.

Certain guitar riff's make me cry.

I don’t believe in soulmates.

I don’t like my hands.

I am obsessed with the smell of sulpher.

I can’t take naps.

I have a huge affinity for the South (particularly Alabama and Georgia).

I can read in Italian better than I can speak it. And understand it spoken better than I can read it.

I don’t sing in the shower, but I do when I take a bath.

I still remember my junior high school locker combination.

Cooking shows relax me.

I have scars on my left fingers from a pumpkin carving altercation with my brother.

I have too much self control when it comes to love.

I prefer Jack Daniels to wine, but I think wine is sexier.

I look at things and see what they are not.

I like cheap, dirty jokes.

I can count to ten in Japanese and can say “Go upstairs and put your sweater on” in Greek.

I don’t like to think about my future. I used to all the time, and it was making me anxious.

I used to have a Japanese fighter fish named "Dwayne Lee".

I never learned to type with the right fingers.

Sometimes I wake up and think my dreams from the night before are real.

I sometimes forgive but I definitely never forget.

I am more optimistic now than I have ever been.

I think people’s flaws say the most about them.

I suck at math.

I despise winter.

I’m not afraid of death; but I'm afraid of what will kill me.

I’d rather not know, than know.

My lasagna will change your life.

Make me laugh and I'm yours.