"Where the Hell Did You Get These Towels?"

Well, the holidays have come and gone. I have done much over the past few weeks, but I think I will start with Christmas at my parents. We had our usual gluttonous eve and day - lots of food, family, alcohol - and yes, fire. I also managed to exchange the usual pleasantries with my mother, including this little ditty, which I entitled "The Towel Incident":

(Cut to my mother, folding up my already clean laundry, which she insists on rewashing because she doesn't trust the detergent I buy (Cheer). She grabs an over-sized white towel with a navy blue "R" embroidered onto it.)

Mother: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS TOWEL?

Me: Oh, the Bed, Bath & Beyond Outlet. They put the "mistake" towels in a bin for like $6. Why?

Mother: IT IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL TOWEL! IT'S HUGE!!

Me: I know.

Mother: AND THE PILE... IT'S SO THICK! I THINK THIS MIGHT BE ONE OF THE NICEST TOWELS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!

Me: Do you want it?

Mother: Psssshhht, get out of here!

Me: I can buy you one online and ship it here... they're like $20...

Mother: YOU KNOW WHAT????!!! .... do me a favor, keep your money... I don't NEED any more towels.

Me: Are you sure? I can do it right now.

Mother: REBECCA, PLEASE! Get out of here with your idiot ideas.

Cut to: The Next Morning.

Me: (Washing my face, and drying it on one of my parents' towels. As my face pulls away, the entire towel is soaked in blood, because that is how hard and stiff and sandpapery it is.) This towel is literally absorbing every ounce of moisture from my body!

Thankfully, this will all be scripted in the upcoming Lifetime special I'm writing called "Mother's Towels."