Just another Saturday night

You know you shouldn't have any more wine when you go to crack open a fifth bottle, and can't. The corkscrew is bent. At least that's what you tell me when it rips out and takes the middle section of the cork with it in shreds of waste. Well, this bottle is ruined, so now what? You mention driving to go get some but DUI's are real expensive. You're not thinking of the vans full of children, because...why would you think about them? But, oh right, you're not drunk...just DUIable.

So the next best (and yes, reasonable) idea --push the cork into the bottle. You stab a steak knife into the cork and twist it a bit. Shreds of cork fall both onto the floor and into the wine. You jerk the knife wildly, working yourself into a good sweat, but that cork won't budge. You give up on the steak knife and move to a phillip's screwdriver. You're fixated at this point. You resemble a chimp with his stick at the ant hill. A final burst of strength pops the cork inward, and because you're not interested in the sciences, you're unprepared for what happens next. You didn't know a wine bottle is an air-tight vessel (?)- when the cork is being pushed through, a suction force is created - and what you refer to as a "vacuum" has now sucked up the shredded remainders of cork well into the body of your '92 Chianti, and at an impressive speed.

Hey, you're the one who wanted wine.

A shower of wine is what you get - on your hands, shirt, the kitchen counter, the stove, the walls and the ceiling. You wipe the wine off your face and forearms and then pour it into a pint glass. Right to the rim. Cork shrapnel sinks to the bottom, which is surprising, but nice. That way you can consume the wine off the top and not worry about eating cork.

But you eat cork anyway.

That's when you realize it's probably not a good idea to drink anymore wine.

Hello Tom Green!