Confessions

To the girl I pushed out of my way and called an idiot because she stood still on subway escalator and blocked people (me) from passing. I may have overreacted. A bit.

To the guy from Tonic, sorry I didn't come to your place and have sex with you like you suggested. Apart from the fact that I'm not a whore, your place was the opposite direction of my house and I really didn't care for your jacket.

To the other guy who sat at the bar for 3 hours and ogled me. Thanks, but you weren't my cup of tea. Also, I wouldn't be interested in someone who has wiry orange hair billowing out of his argyle twin set.

To the SkaterBoy, sorry I didn't like you as much as your heavyset friend but he had a beautiful smile and refused to laugh at my story the second time he heard it. Additionally, you were too forthcoming with your "grooming rituals" ...if that's your deal, fine - I don't judge, but that's something best kept to yourself methinks.

To Heather Levin, sorry I let your older brother feel me up twice (2x) in the tent in your backyard after your birthday party.

To Crash, yes I did and it was awesome.

To Michael, I was the one moving the controller on the Ouija board.

To Allison, sorry we threw that going away party for you the day after you moved.

To the lady in the automotive dept., sorry I reared back like someone was trying to force my face into a bear trap when you were talking to me. A little mustache on a girl can be endearing, but that thing looked like one of Peter Gallagher's eyebrows. I swear when you turned to say something to me, your whiskers scratched my eyeball.

To Nicole, no it wasn't my fault, it was yours. You were wearing a maternity shirt.

To Doug Atwell, - D.K never really screwed your girlfriend like I told you. My brother did. Oh, and the part where I said she was a filthy slag? That was true.

To Jen S., sorry I drank half a bottle of your mom's Stoli replacing it with water. I didn't know she'd ground you. You wouldn't have liked the Apple River trip anyway.

One for my friend:

To the girl with the (possibly) lazy eye in the sunglasses from the Laguna art festival, my friend Jeremy would like to thank you for the spirited blow-j - but he couldn't help but wonder why you selected U2 as the soundtrack for your activities. He found it be be very distracting and repetitive.

And he's sorry about your hand towel.