Keep your day job. Seriously. Please.

Because of my retarded work schedule lately, my mother and I usually converse late in the evening, once her shows have finished up and I throw back my fourth can of Bud Lite. Our calls have been starting up at around 11 pm, sometimes later. As a result, I'm pretty fucking beat following a long day of work, but manage to spit out most of the pertinent details: namely back pain and bloat. Just bloat. I am not surprised nor embarassed that I behave much of the time like a 59 year old woman. (Please, look away from me .....I'm hideous.)

Yesterday, my mother had a joke. It was about 11:00 pm. This is pretty much how it went down:

(Loud television in the background)

Mom: Oh my God, Paul told me a funny joke. Wanna hear?

Me: (Unconscious with a bubble of vomit coming out of my nose.)

Mom: OK. So there's this little girl. Hold on - Jessica! Jessica!!

Jessica [sister]: (silent.)

Mom: Turn the TV down? I can't talk with it so loud!

(TV still blaring)

Mom: If your father wakes up, we're both in trouble.

(pause - TV volume lowering)

Mom: OK. So there's this little girl and she lives next door to a construction site -- wait, do you know this?

Me: (White painted face, black lipstick, wrapping invisible rope around my neck and miming my own death.)

Mom: Listen to me, you're gonna think this is so funny...it's soooo funny. So this little girl, she's sooo cute, and she lives next door to a construction site and one day she walks over (pause) No, I'm screwing it up, hold on. (pause, she starts whispering to herself) okay, so she goes next door and asks the construction men if she can help them. So, they say 'okay' and everyday she helps they do little things - you know, here and there ... Hello? Are you there?

Me:

Mom: So, they men paid her $1 for her work each week, and finally when she had to go back to school ... Hold on. Jessica!! Stop clinking your fork on the plate!! You're eating too loud, I can hear you all the way to here!! (phone rustling, girl's voice in the background.) You shouldn't even be eating, it's almost midnight! (phone rustling) OK, hi? Rebecca?

Me:

Mom: So, she had to go back to school and her mother asked her if she was going to keep helping them on the weekends .. Rebecca? Listen, you're gonna love this.

Me:

Mom: Then, her mother asks her if she's going to still help on the weekends, because, you know, she has to go back to school. And the little girl said ... Rebecca?

Me:

Mom: So, the little girl said "Only if Home Depot delivers the fucking drywall" .. did you hear me? The fucking drywall?

Me:

Mom: Isn't that hilarious? (laughing wildly) The fucking drywall!! Rebecca?

Me:

Too far? Probs.

Hell? Def.

Holla.