Dear Boyfriends, Potential Dates and Prospects on the Sidelines,

Let's get this out of the way now.

You really shouldn't like me.

First of all, I'm fucking weird. I do weird things that are irrational and inexplicable. I act weird, seemingly senselessly and ambiguously. I'm a cross between an old-school Italian house wife and a shameless dirt-bag.

I don't believe that the glass is half full because I'm the one drinking out of the 12" tall glass cowboy boot.

I am a walking contradiction, a caster of stones and careful architect of my own glass houses. I own several and rent out the ones I don't live in.

I don't sleep. But when I do, you'll never understand how. I've calculated the exact position of my pillows to quantify the perfect amount of sleep. I am addicted to white noise yet I sing in bed. I don't know how anyone puts up with my odd sleep patterns and insane bedtime routine.

You shouldn't like me because I won't keep my opinions to myself. I find it impossible to be fake and am visibly awkward in situations in which I feel are not genuine. Small talk makes me itchy and people usually think I am unapproachable and emotionally unavailable.

You shouldn't like me because I live more on paper than I do in real life. Because I'll keep my most intimate moments for myself on my hard drive and in softcover journals. This will drive you crazy. It will make you jealous in a way you can't describe.

I'll know you better than you think in a shorter time than you think and this will unsettle you. It would unsettle me.

You shouldn't like me because there will always be that one percent of you that doesn't trust me completely. I thrive in that one percent. It's not intentional, it's just where I feel the most comfortable.

You'll wince when I tell you my guiltiest pleasure is the dirty South. You'll cringe when you hear me humming the chorus from Skynyrd's "Poison Whiskey" while I'm on my blackberry. Oh, and I will force you to listen to classic rock while we drink bourbon at my kitchen table.

It's just who I am.

Here's something else. I spend more money on clothes and shoes than I do on groceries. I don't floss my teeth enough or dust when it's required. I will always take a shortcut if one is made available to me. I'm not as consistently kind and considerate as I appear to be upon first impression.

You won't be able to relate to my priorities. I definitely want to have babies but am indifferent about getting married. But I do believe in the institution of marriage, family and true love.

All of this will puzzle and confuse you and just before you've got me figured out ..... you'll run.

So, basically you're probably better off without the headache.

With all sincerity,
Rebecca