Croc-a-doodle-doo

I always say that if I could remove one product from the earth, it would be those stupid shoes with the wheels in them. Nothing pisses me off more than to see kids whizzing by me at Target. I used to want a pair but now these shoes are causing me to lose my patience with kids altogether. I think it's more the fact that sneakers are made to be worn to walk, run, play sports, etc., and roller blades are made to be worn outside for exercise. Never were the two supposed to meet, date and have babies. I'm dead serious when I say that if I could meet the motherfucker who invented these, I would put on a pair of my fabulous stilettos and kick him square in the crotch.

Now if I could remove two products from the Earth they would be Healy's (rollersneakers) and Crocs. Let me just clarify something first. Crocs don't bother me on small children. In fact, I think they're kind of cute on little Violet Affleck. But when my 45 year old coworker walks around the office in her electric blue Crocs, I have thoughts of feeding her to a Croc. My vision gets fuzzy, I get nauseous, and quite frankly, I go to a bad place. My mother told me she was going to get a pair to wear around the yard. I promptly responded that when I come home to visit they will disappear. Forever. I'm actually looking forward to colder weather so my eyes don't have to be assaulted by Crocs anymore. And then someone emailed me this:

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

There's really nothing I can say about this catastrophe. So help me God, if anyone I know gets a pair of Fuzzy Crocs, I'll be suggesting a trip to the zoo.